I won't give up

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I'm still looking up".

That's exactly what I would've said couples of months ago. But now I just can't. I feel like I can't do anything to save our friendship anymore, and I'm too tired to even try. I can use my energy to be with my other friends, and not spending it on any kind of unnecessary drama. Because nobody needs that and I have the full power to just walk away, put my hands up and say "I tried. I really did. But now I just can't anymore". Even my mum says that there's only a certain amount of crap you can take. And I think my limit has been crossed a while ago.

You have to be the change you want to see in your life

ATTITUDE CHANGE. 

That's what's going to happen - an attitude change towards the things I don't like about myself . I don't mean my looks or anything like that, what I mean is, if something would happen, for example, I got a 6 from a test or I have to wait a long time in a line or I have to do something I don't like to do, like taking the trash outside, I'll do it and think positively. What's the point, if you're always whining and being an immature little kid always saying how your life sucks? I'm not going to be one of those. A dramaqueen, a whining little brat or a lazyass. No, I refuse to be one of them. Why should I be ?

An other thing I've been thinking of how utterly boring my life is. I did a blogpost about this a while ago, didn't I ? But anyways - I've decided that this summer would be the best summer of my entire life. How am I going to make it happen? I'm just going to. Girl time (because I'm a huge sucker for girly & cute stuff), sun, beaches, guys... The list is seriously endless!

Yesterday was my 15th birthday. Geez, I can't believe how time flies so fast...  But I had fun, I got some presents and I can't wait to go back to school and see all of my friends again - I miss them quite much. And I have only 12 exams left (we call them b-tests here) and then i won't have them EVER again (see what I did there? Positive thinking!)! I love how there's no drama anymore anywhere. Feels good. And the sun is shining.. the summer is coming slowly, but surely.

When you feel like you can't do anything but just let go

Sorry haven't been writing for a while long time. I've been so busy. I don't even know how I've survived all the stress that's going on. Guess I'm a fighter then?

I'm sick and tired heaing how people complain about everything nowadays. In our school, it's a new trend to be "ill" or "depressed". What on earth is so cool about it? They don't even know how it really feels - they just want some attention that they can't get. Atleast, not from me.

   Ofcourse, there's some people who seriously have some issues and all that crap, but c'mon people. They have so many things to be graceful at, so many things to smile to. Do they want to do that? No. And why's that? Because if they would, the attention would fade away. 

I don't have any strenghts to fight anymore, not with my friend. I just feel like our paths weren't meant to be then? I'm so tired and done of arguing. I know it won't end unless I say "Oh, I'm sorry. Of course you were right, I was wrong all the time".  I want to enjoy my life, I don't care how selfish that sounds, but I want to enjoy my life without any kind of drama. I'm not a superwoman, I only can take a certain amount of bullshit. 

"I'll be there for you. Always."

"Really?"

"Really."

How dumb have I been to actually buy that bullshit?

Enough with the whining now, I know it's not the nicest thing to read. Happy thing is that I got my report back and I'm more than happy with it. I got only two sevens, all the others are 8&9&10's. 

And I'm going to a really good friend's house with my other really good friend to a sleep-over. I'm quite excited about that. I love these two girls to death, 

I need a boyfriend. just throwing it out there.

21.1.12

I feel so damn good !

I guess one positive thing about beeing a teenager is that your emotions can change in a second. I feel so loved by the people I love ! I can't even explain the feeling, it's amazing.

I feel like a princess when you call me beautiful. Never let me go.



Today I went shopping with my friend, good friend, and we had so much fun. I bought so many nice things, I feel so happy. And hearing that I'm beautiful from people makes me feel confindent again. Damn! I have nothing to complain about right now.

"I'd hug and kiss you."

19.1.12

When nothing goes right, go left?


I hate that saying. I hate it. Like it would be that easy. It's not.

Today.. Today has been a bit more, lets say, challenging day for me. I can't fight the tears, even though I'd try, I'm tired all the time and when I go to sleep I usually fall asleep with wet cheeks. I hate the feeling, it feels like you'd swallow a pill with out any water and it'd get stuck in your throat. It feels like I can't breathe stop strangling me.
 

I had a fight with my mum - actually nowadays we always have. It takes all my strenght away, and we're only three in my family, so it's really hard to be around anybody when you're mad at someone. Sometimes the atmosphere is so tense that you could cut it with a diamond. It feels like my mum has changed. We used to be quite close, then I started to have the need to have my personal space and every since we've been not that close anymore. It's quite sad, considering that she's the only one I have. I miss those long conversations with her, about stuff like from where does the space begin and where does it end? It feels so bad, to just walk around the house, just talking to my sister, and my mum's downstair watching tv and when I go downstairs to get something to drink, she doesn't even look at me. And sometimes she says things that really hurt me, but she doesn't see that. Sometimes her words are like bullets going straight through my heart.

"How can you say that?"
"I didn't say anything."
"Stop it, leave me alone!"


I'm so insecure. I didn't use to be - I actually liked the way I looked and I was happy with my size and face. Nowadays? I cry in the morning because I feel so ugly. Uglyuglyuglyuglyugly! I'm going to get braces - I will look like a monster. My hair isn't really "rich" if that's how you want to say it. I look stupid when I smile. I have a really long neck. Maybe I should eat less candy? I'll try that. Everyone's so pretty and beautiful. Everyone's flawless. I feel like my whole world is falling apart and there's nothing I can do about it.

I need a boyfriend, just throwing it out there.

THANK YOU ALL YOU 5 FOLLOWERS, IT MEANS ALOT TO ME. <3

Can't take this

Please, someone, make this pain go away. I can't take it anymore.

please.

18.1.12

How am I supposed to live if I can't live my life with you?


Yes! Tomorrow I'll be able to go to school again! I'll see my friends and the people I missed. But I'll also see some teachers, who scare the living crap out of me and I'm so stressed, because I have missed alot of classes. I couldn't sleep well, because of the stress, which doesn't help me to recover from my illness, which was basically just fever and headache. I'm so behind of all the others, that's why I hate being sick. I just can't get a bad mark from a test or homework. I know I stress myself too much with my grades, but I just can't help it.

What are you afraid of ? That the world ends, your enemies, your prents? I'm afraid of losing someone I love. Like for example one of my friends. What should I do with out them? I have no clue. I've lost my last bestfriend. Or well - she lost me. She went together with one guy, and she just neglected me. And nowadays, she has no-one. She's so lost with out him and I feel so sorry for her, but I won't take her back. We don't hate eachother or anything, we're just friends nowadays. And I have new friends that are like air to me, with out them I can not breath.

"Just know that I'm here for you.<3"
"I know.<3"
"<3"

17.1.12

Why can't my life be like a fairytale ?


I'm still stuck at home, sick, watching girly movies, which was a probably huge mistake, because I understood that my life is absolutely broing. Today i watched She's The Man (which is so far one of my favourite movies).

That movie made me realize how absolutely boring my life is. Nothing's happening, just nothing. Like my friend said: "If nothing happens, make things happen." I think those words are so true, I have to start taking risks, I have to start making new relationships with people, I'm just too damn fed up living my teenage years like this. I'm not saying I want to smoke up and drink - no. I'm not like that, I just want some excitement in my life. It'd be so nice to have something in my life or someone .

I miss you. I miss you so bad.
Please, talk to me. I miss your voice
And the way you laugh. I miss you.


I've been really happy lately. I love the feeling, it feels like nothing can hurt you anymore, like you're safe from all the bad. But it's a fragile feeling - something or someone can break it in a second. That's why you have to enjoy every single bit of it. I want to feel like this for ever.

                                                                                                          

16.1.12

I haven't been ill for a while, but now I am. Sucks, I wanted to go to school, I really did.


At some point, school was like hell to me. I was in a fight with a girl, and school was the last place I wanted to go to. I always felt like someone was talking about me behind my back, like everybody was staring at me - and like it was all my fault. It took all of my strenght away, I didn't do my homeworks, I just slept and ate. What hurt the most was probably the words, and I always heard what people were saying about me from my friends. That hurt. Was everybody going to think that I was a backstabbing bitch who makes everyone's life hell? Most of people did. But then my real friends stayed. They never left, they made sure that I wouldn't let that kill my mood, even though it did.  Nowadays the girl and I are actually really good friends.


"I'm so sorry, it breaks my heart to hear that."
"It's ok, no biggie."
"It's defenitely not okay."


Heartbreaks. Is it weird, that I never really have had a heartbreak? But now I have started to feel one. Why is life so unfair? When you find someone so perfect, like he's the first thing you want to see when you wake up and the last thing when you go sleeping. Life just isn't fair. I have the need to see him. I need to.

"You're beautiful from the inside and outside."
"Really?"
"Really."

First update...

First post is always the hardest one, no? You should figure out what to talk about, maybe tell something about yourself, why you started blogging in the first place. Well, I am just a normal teenager with a rough past, but I've learned from it and because of that I'm more thankful to everything and everyone in my life. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I'm in highschool 14 year old girl who loves photographing. It's sort of a way to express myself when there isn't enough words. It's kind of an escape route, if you know what I mean.

I've been depressed - really depressed. But I decided not to give up, I wouldn't let that ruin my life. I'd recover from it. Sometimes, I still have those days when I just don't want to wake up, or I'm too tired to laugh. Or if I do laugh or smile, it's a fake mask I put on. But nowadays, I enjoy my life more and more. Everyday I find something new and exciting, something that will make me feel warm inside. It could be a smile which a stranger gives me, a cute text or message from someone I have feelings to, it might be a good mark from a test or being with friends. Anything positive. 

Being a teenager. That's the hardest part of all. Sometimes it makes you feel like you're ontop of the world, sometimes it makes you want to die or disappear. 

I hope you enjoy my blog, which is basically about my life, feelings and that kind of things. It all starts now from here.